But that’s literally how I remember it. It’s like one ball of memories and emotions I can’t pick one thing out from another they’re just all piled on top of each other :’)

So I told you guys about going into labour but I didn’t touch upon the actual birth itself.
I’m not gonna lie, I can’t remember most of it. Not because it was a while ago now but because it was a general haze of contractions and passing out. But here goes.

It was painful. Lol, like that’s not hard to imagine. The contractions are like really really bad period pains. When I first arrived at the hospital I got given a small dose of liquid morphine and gas and air. As labour progressed I was given 2 shots of pethidine. I was on as and air up until the final phase when I was just so tired I couldn’t even be bothered to lift my arms anymore.

I can remember getting delirious and talking about the film ‘Cars’ and crying because I thought Connor was going to leave me and go for a cigarette while Cas was crowning. But that’s about it.

I can remember being IN pain but I can’t remember THE pain, if that make sense? And I can remember the smell. Iron. There was so much blood. And i screamed a lot and apologised for screaming. Cried a lot and said I couldn’t do it. I asked the midwife at one point whether she could just pull him out because I was so tired.

But I’d do it all again. Looking back I miss it. I miss it all - the pregnancy right up to the feeling of relief when the baby finally comes out. And nothing will beat that first cuddle. They delivered Cas onto a towel on my tummy. I was determined I didn’t want them to do that but at the last moment they asked and I just said yes. And it was perfect. My first look at my beautiful little boy. I tear up thinking about it.

Oh and I nearly broke Connor’s hand because I had a sudden rush of pain at one point and just grabbed him by the knuckles :’) oops aha.

I will from now on. I want to be able to look back and remember everything.

Sorry it has taken so long to answer this, it wasn’t planned and we were silly and didn’t use protection. But I don’t regret a thing. Just keep trying, make sure you know your ovulation days - that helps. I wish you both the best of luck :)

I’m sorry, I’ve been busy :(

I don’t remember where I got up to in my pregnancy saga, last thing I remember was posting about some girl who thinks I don’t deserve my baby. 

Lol, screw her. She can suck my penis. 

It’s true, I probably don’t deserve him. But I’ve got him. You’re only saying it because you’re jealous, because I have something you so desperately want. 

Deal with it. I love my baby more than anything in the world. 

I was probably one of the worst pregnant women in the world. 

I smoked, I drank, the first month I done a lot of drugs (granted I didn’t know I was pregnant while I was doing them), when I got really stressed out I’d sort of flip out and start punching my stomach.

I was terrible. I’m so glad Cas came out okay even though I was shit. I’m making up for it now.

I’m not going to make out that I had the perfect pregnancy. Trust me I went through a lot of hardship. I don’t want to bitch and moan. But I’ve never told anyone half of what I’m going to write here, so if you don’t want to read it, don’t.

When we first found out that I was pregnant me and Connor went into an utter state of shock. We never planned it, we were just silly for not using any protection whatsoever. Connor took it a lot worse than me. He’s a natural born worrier and he panicked about how we would all survive. So eventually I decided I would get an abortion. I spoke to a friend who said he’d take me, spoke to another who had been through it and done a lot of research on how to go about it. The only problem was making the appointment. Because I didn’t want to. At the end of the day I was only doing it for Connor and that wasn’t the right reasons to do something like that. And I’m completely against abortion just for the sake of it. The night I decided to do it, I cried my eyes out. I was distraught and nothing could console me.

It was one evening a few weeks later, me and Connor had fallen asleep, a sort of after dinner nap. And I had a strange dream, a dream of Halloween and children coming to the house trick or treating, and we gave them candy and they were all happy. And then they ran off and there was one child left, a little tiny boy dressed as a ghost, just like a white sheet over his head with eye holes cut out of it, I offered him some sweets and he just stared and walked into the house. He took the sheet off of his head and there he stood in the hallway, a beautiful little child, all blonde hair and blue eyes and he looked so sad and pale and lifeless. It made me cry in my dream and I woke up in tears because it felt to me like it was the ghost of my not yet born child. 

I woke Connor up and he hugged me and asked me what was up, I explained the dream and told him how it made me feel. And that’s when I decided I couldn’t abort my baby. I completely broke down. Burst into the most horrendous hysterical tears. I was literally screaming the house down. Connor’s mum and brother both came out of their rooms to see what was going on. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I couldn’t be haunted by my poor lonely ghost child. I needed him in my life.

I can’t say whether Connor understood my reasoning. But I’m glad he respected my decision. I know it’s silly to keep a child because of a dream, but that was it for me, I didn’t want to do it anyway and that dream was the final straw for me. 

I’m so happy I kept my baby. If I didn’t I wouldn’t have my beautiful little Cas. He’s my world and the biggest and best decision of my life.

I used to read a lot of them while I was pregnant. 

I wouldn’t recommend it. They’re horrible and full of do’s and don’t’s that are very hard to follow in real life. The best advice I can give is don’t bubble wrap yourself. I mean be careful, try not to fall over bump first and what not, but accidents can happen. If you’re worried then see your doctor/midwife, trust your instincts not what silly people on the internet say.